Season II: The Rants
by Phantom Ou
Summary: Hi, I'm Claude Faustus. I feel obliged to dispel the popular belief that I am dull and boring. Join me as I reveal to you the truth. Details inside, since I am quickly running out of characters. Warning: Crack and nonsense.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: First and foremost, a warning: this will be nonsensical, borderline-or-even-achieving-past-that-crack fic. If this deters you from reading my other works, I highly suggest you navigate to a different page. If it lessens your certainty of my soundness of mind, this is the perfect opportunity to leave. There will be strong language, themes that may be deemed inappropriate, and facetious views. Do not ever take personal offense. Another note: this may be a parody, but it is only meant to poke fun at things, and not to make you roll through the aisles or to induce even the slightest of chuckles from you. People somehow unjustly believe that I am supposed to please or humor them. But, that is not so; this is produced merely to quell my own severe case of boredom. Reducing your boredom as well is simply a bonus.**

**Most importantly, and this may be sort of contradictory depending how you look at it, I do not like Claude. I hate him with an unbelievable passion. I will probably end up ranting about him sooner or later. Any Claude fangirls should not take personal offense. I don't dislike you especially because I don't know you. I only despise the character you're besotted to. Anyway, this is why it is a _parody_ that centralizes around him—I get to fiddle with his character. Claude-haters... today we unite. Claude-lovers, hi, you might want to leave soon.**

**Ah, who doesn't love parodies? This series will feature Claude's thoughts during the making of the season, a sort of behind-the-scenez (typo at first, but too good to change it)-look, interviews asked by yours truly and readers, and much more! (When people say "much more", they really ran out of things to say.) But without further ado, enjoy (if possible)!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Kuroshitsuji.**

* * *

Hi.

I am Claude Faustus. Initials: C.F.

Or rather, my real name is Jeff Green, the person that won the role as Claude Faustus. (Seriously, don't I look like a Jeff?)

I just wanted you all to know that how the creators of Kuroshitsuji II portrayed me is DEAD WRONG. They twisted everything in the season so it would seem like I'm the bad guy. Ridiculous, right? I'm not as boring and monotonous as people think I am. I'm actually a pretty interesting guy, if anyone actually takes the time to sit down and talk to me. OK, so Sebastian did that once, but at that time we were doing this really freaky black roses dripping with blood exchange-thingy, so yeah, he didn't get to see the deep and meaningful side of me.

I was so pissed when the season came out, 'cuz I was as dull as a stick in the mud! How degrading. I filed a complaint to the creators and producers of the season ASAP:

Dear Creators of the Crap,

Yo, wassup with the changes? I thought we were cool here! What the f*ck, man! Redo the whole season NOW, or I will go to your f*ckin' house, and I will f*ckin' tap dance and you _will_ watch me!

Love ya lots,

Claude-fosizzle

Then, they sent back:

Dear of Crap,

wassup the? I we cool! What f*ck! Redo whole NOW, I go your house, I f*ckin' dance you watch

ya,

Claude

Those cheap-asses just copied and pasted, but omitted every second word! What the f*ck was the point of that anyway!?

Since they suck, I will once again have to step in and fix everything. These stories that I complied are the real crap, alright? I will enlighten you all of what REALLY went down in the episodes.

* * *

Episode 01: Clawed Butler (AM I REALLY CLAWED?)

It all started with the bedroom scene. Now... let's be mature about this, guys. No naughty thoughts. It's just some nasty pedo on a bed, there's this blond, and I have a cameo appearance as a spider. You know, the typical day-to-day stuff. Anyway, as I have mentioned beforehand, I'm a spider. The animators did this extremely cool effect where I fade away on the blond's tongue, in which leaves this resplendent pentacle thingymabob.

We insert a time-skip, here. Now, the super cool bedroom scene. Let me begin by a proper introduction of my character. Hi, I'm Claude Faustus. A butler. A meritorious one (with an extensive vocabulary, whatcha). I handle all the business in the Trancy manor (that's the current setting, if you don't already know). So, dawn had set in, and I entered my master's bedroom. Being the awesome servant that I am, I had to help the blond, Alois, dress for the day.

OK, first off, I don't see why people think I despise the kid so much. I mean, we're practically father and son! We happen to spend a lot of quality time together. Like, during the beginning of the episode, we shared this entertaining little activity.

I buttoned a button.

He unbuttoned a button.

I buttoned.

He unbuttoned.

We exchanged giggles.

I buttoned.

He unbuttoned.

OK, seriously, I have other stuff to do.

So, I buttoned.

He unbuttoned.

Are you freaking serious?

I buttoned.

He unbuttoned.

Seriously, kid, stop.

Alois smirked at my annoyed expression. "Am I irritating to you?"

Fuck, yeah, kid. But that line isn't part of the script.

So, I kinda settled for a smack.

He kinda smacked me back.

We kinda got bruises, so we stopped.

Then, in the middle of the episode or so, news arrived that Arnold Trancy was coming over for a visit. Alois was freaking out over the minor details such as how he had replaced all of the pedo's crap. I told him to chill, and that I will take care of this shit. (Shit = extra work.)

Now this is the highlight of the episode, the only part that I really approve. In the colossal dining hall, I stood on the baluster. Elegant music played, signifying for my beautiful performance. You see, I've been taking tap-dancing lessons since I was four, so needless to say, I'm a natural. When I auditioned for this role, one of the requirements was you have to be a proficient tap-dancer.

HOWEVER.

I am an overachiever. I don't just tap-dance. I do ballet classes, too. So, I twirled around the vast room, leaping adroitly from wall to wall. "Be a swan" is my motto, and my inspiration.

Then the director was like "be more dramatic". So, I "be more dramatic". I threw up my glasses, and was Superman when I tossed up the table as well. I fished out these epic-looking golden-ware (everyone knows these are cheap knock-offs of Sebastian's silverware) and hurled them like a ninja.

But while I was too busy being "a swan", I stepped on my freaking glasses, which effectively shattered them. Stupid spectacles, getting in my way. Yeah, the director edited that part out, and we had to re-shoot the scene.

Thus, I had to twirl around again, but this time I brought along a ribbon so that it can flutter as I dance to add that, you know, add that magical feel. So, I was employing the most intricate and flowing patterns for my ballet chiz. Grace and precision, "swan".

But, no one freaking told me they decided to change where the glasses are going to be. Because the director suddenly told me to look up. So naturally, I freaking looked up, and those damned glasses poked me in the damned eyeball. And EVERYBODY knows how drop-dead gorgeous my hazel eyes are. To don on an eyepatch is a crime. But, I had to wear one while my penetrated eyeball was healing (or feebly shriveling in my socket).

Anyway, they had to call in a stunt double to film that scene, 'cuz apparently, only "beuteful" (my director's crap accent) people are allowed on set. Well, I used to be beuteful, before I transformed to a freaking pirate.

I was fuming for weeks, man. You can only imagine the rage I was in when I found that that they totally removed the ballet part from the cameras, the computers, the whole interconnected system. I WAS BALLET-ING! YOU DO NOT REMOVE BALLET-ING! CTRL + ALT + DELETE CRUSHED MY DREAMS. (Join me on my quest to obliterate the commands CTRL + ALT + DELETE. It's a sin. More information as to how to participate will be provided below.)

Now, moving the hell on. Fast-forwarding through the uninteresting Arnold part, 'cuz he's, well, uninteresting. Unlike me, but no one knows that because I'm the secluded, grumbling pirate watching from afar. (I had to miss production for a lengthy period. That's why season two took so long to be released—they totally needed me.)

But when I finally went back on track, they decided to freaking introduce Sebastian Michaelis and his cute tiny luggage, too. Sebastian is my archrival; he always steals my spotlight. Like, all the time. OK, so here's a little trivia. I had auditioned to be the character "Sebastian Michaelis", but I was declined of the role because I seemed like the "Claude-y type". Seriously, enlighten me. What the hell is the "Claude-y type"? A new species? Undefined alien?

So Sebastian was dressed all creepily, in the long overcoat and mysterious hat, which covers most of his face but 'conveniently' leaves the black fringes and angular face so that fangirls just KNOW right off the bat that it's Sebastian. What's the point with the apparel, then? Might as well come with a name-tag that reads "Sebastian Michaelis", because everyone knows who he freaking is anyway.

Alois was all like, "OMG, let's let him stay here." And, I was all giving him that grim and stern look, you know, the one that shouts "CAUTION!", but that oblivious child ignored me. If you see a cloaked stranger, you do _not_, at all costs, invite him in like family. Still, the blond is a bit short on common sense—don't tell the blond that; we're so tight, I'm practically his dada.

But, you... you should check out my face at that moment. I-it's priceless. Just go on YouTube, and rewind that part over and over again (around the range of 14:54 to 14:56—it will be the two best seconds of your life). You will see the suspicious yet subtle cross of my brow, the tenuous purse of my lips; all indicatives of my displeasure. Yet I have to stifle all that under my calm and stoical fortitude. Then, there's that dramatic flash of lighting. It's brilliant, really, seeing how well I act. I mean, all I have to do that is portray nothingness, but I'm SO GOOD at it. It literally took my breath away how talented I am. I'll save you a moment here. Check out the video right now, and you'll know what I'm talking about. It will take your breath away, I guarantee it.

Transitioning to the next scene, I, the hardworking butler (hi, I'm Claude Faustus), had to serve freaking Sebastian some delicious food prepared by me. Alois was all: "Claude's food is freaking awesome", and you can't view it since it's one of the rare moments where the camera wasn't directed at me, but I was grinning like a fool 'cuz his statement is so legitimate. I make the most scrumptious meals out there. World class chef, I am.

But, ARGH! That moronic _other_ butler had the nerve to criticize my food. "Tiny speck of sauce on the rim of the plate", MY ASS. Well, sor-_ry_. I don't have super lasers for eyes like you do, Sebagodieinaholetian! It's a freaking infinitesimal spot—hence the "speck"! Then, I had to clean that shit (once again, shit = extra work) up, when he could have taken a piece of napkin and go swipe. Just like that. Go swipe, and poof, it's gone. Magic, if you will.

The director told me to "chell" out, whatever that's supposed to mean, since it's just an anime, but I felt it. I felt that it was real to me. I have a profound and spiritual connection to this chiz.

I thought my evening couldn't get any worse in the episode. But I was so wrong 'cuz I had to do even more shit. You know why? It's because that imbecile Alois decided to go on a little tour with Sebastian. They explored the manor, and that sly butler got his greasy fingers on Ciel's soul.

A brief recap: Ciel is the dude contracted with Sebastian. I pissed the demon off by stealing Ciel's soul.

So, anyway, I have enrolled in ceramics classes, so I learned this neat trick where I can place souls in this container thingymabob. I was meticulous with the construction and requisites of that chiz; perfect size, shape, and pretty designs.

Sebastian was seconds away from possessing that cute box I made, when I swooped in like an action hero and threw the golden-ware. It failed the first few times because the trajectory was just off. It was absolutely horrid. Those cheap knock-offs barely flew from my fingers. In fact, they freaking landed at my toes.

After that was done, Sebastian's disguise was expelled from his body. We had an epic brawl. I was dealing with enough shit with this guy that hops from places to places, only to have Alois squealing in the background; yelling about how Ciel Phantomhive is all his. Creepy kid.

Then, there was that instance where Sebastian was about to say "I am merely one hell of a butler", but stopped himself. Like, WHY? What's the point of saving it for the right time? We've heard you say it over and over and over again the first season. It's not going to be an incredibly overwhelming, near-fainting, jaw-dropping, "OMFG, he said WHAT!?"-kind of thing.

In the end, Sebastian managed to escape with the soul thing. It's so unfair because everyone knows that people just want Sebastian to win anyway. Pfft, whatever. But, no, the magnitude of crap isn't over yet, because all of a sudden, it was super dark. Alois is scared of the dark, and the fucking kid kept on tugging on my leg when HELLO, I was having "The Moment". (The Moment = staring off into space. Any teacher that asks you why you are minutely scrutinizing the wall instead of paying attention in class, respond by saying you were having "The Moment". He/She'll understand.)

Then for the ending, it got pretty weird. I had to act according to the script, OK? This is completely not part of my own volition. Apparently, my way of comforting the blubbering kid was by telling him I'll make one hell of a feast out of him. Borderline cannibalism there, I don't roll in that direction. But I guess saying that really works. So here's a handy tip: you see anyone that's sad, just go up to them and say "Your face looks ooh, ooh, yummy". They'll definitely snap right out of the depression. Sure, you might get a run-in with the cops. At least, no more tears from that person—chances are, you'll be the one crying instead while rotting in a cell, but bah, details, baby, details.

Anyway, the ending sucked; just Sebastian happily skipping through the woods. Since there are no more Claude Faustus moments, I'll have to wrap it up here. Let me warn you, this is CONFIDENTIAL. To leak things like this is very hazardous of me to do, but you know me. My middle name is DANGER. (First name = AVOIDS; last name = COMPLETELY.) Ahem, so, join me next time as I elaborate on the other episodes that have me in it. Episodes that don't are severely lacking in that statue effect. I mean, without me, who's gonna be the statue! Without me, there will not be the barely memorable presence lurking in the background! Have a good day now. I hope you enjoyed the whatever this is. Bye, I'm Claude Faustus, and you have just witnessed the inside scoop of Pirate Butler ('Clawed' has no meaning).


	2. Chapter 2

**Hullo, thanks for checking out chapter two. Now, time to properly thank the reviewers: **

**Smartapple: Glad you enjoyed it. And, I agree with your username; fruits are intelligent.**

**rockitty99: Hahaha! Your guideline is priceless! It is to the degree that I feel the need to broadcast it: **

How to set a dining room: A guide by Claude Faustus (Written and composed by the creative rockitty99; performed by Jeff Green)

Step 1: Tap dance.  
Step 2: Throw glasses  
Step 3: Hang off the chandelier  
Step 4: Grab the carpet under the table and throw everything in the air  
Step 5: Run around the walls throwing cutlery and plates at the table  
Step 6: Use magic to change the colours of the walls  
Step 7: Land on the ground and let your glasses fall on your face.

"Congratulations, if you're total boss like Claude Faustus, you have just set a dining room. If you are not total boss, you have just f*cked up your dining room."

**Loved that brilliant ending statement. I recommend that you write more guidelines.**

**Esmeralda Wolfsbane: Alright! We welcome your addition to the Suppress Claude Faustus Club! (Acronyms: SCFC)**

**Beryl Bloodstone: Oh, man, now that you said it so, whenever I look at C.F., I think of "Child Fondler". Coincidentally, when I typed out C.F. in the first chapter, I was like, "I should elaborate." Evidently, I forgot to, but you have done so for me! Ah, that's a valid and neutral perspective about Claude. Glad to see how logical and reasonable you are, regarding this matter. I still think he's an ass, but the way you described him makes it considerably more tolerable.**

**Citrine Nebulae: Haha! I thoroughly enjoyed your reaction! Don't worry, I'm grateful about the length of your review. Have I mentioned that I love the word "dafuq" now, thanks to you.**

**KelAlexshipper4evah: Aw, hell no! We got a type-of-person-that-shall-not-be-named here! (AKA, Claude fangirl.) SCFC, we've located a target; let's pick on the minority!... No, just kidding. Sorry about that. Personally, I don't think he's cool and I believed he should have died even sooner, but it's commendable to see you expressing your honest opinion. Let me warn you, if you are a hardcore Claude fangirl, you might not like reading this. (If you do decide to continue reading, remember that you are not constrained to. For future reference, no one can persuade me to portray Claude in a different and kinder light, therefore this story will not change its course.) Either way, thanks for the review.**

**Rina: I agree. 'Nuff said, indeed.**

**TheWaffleMonster: I'm grateful for your review! And do not worry, it was not terrible at all. I agree, though, he is basically a knock-off of Sebastian! I mean, who cannot see that chiz!? Worse, this guy has completely no ounce of humor, which is how he diverges from Sebastian.**

**Sebastian's Kat: Got your review last minute. Lmao, you do that and tell me how it works out. I give you a round of applause for your excellent technique in obliterating Claude; must be very diverting to watch (I'll bring popcorn). Ah, don't worry, even with all of my efforts and tear-jerking prayers, I can never manage to transform "Claude Faustus" into someone cool.**

**Alright, now a fair warning: this chapter does not measure up to much, meaning it lacks adequate content due to the fact that the next few episodes that followed episode one barely had any Claude in it! I've rediscovered that, in which you will see as you peruse. Yes, I type my author's notes after I finish writing the chapters (if anyone happens to wonder or care). ****Again, I do not intend to ever make you laugh, ever (especially in this chapter because there wasn't enough Claude to produce something out of it). Just ease your boredom here.**

******Disclaimer: I do not own Kuroshitsuji.**

* * *

Hi, I'm Phantom Ou, co-writer and editor of the exclusive evaluations of Season II. Before this begins though, Jeff has requested me to warn you of the dangers and his courage for persisting with this. Well, it's dangerous and he is courageous for persisting with this crap. (Or, he's bored and has nothing better to do.) Thank you again, Beryl Bloodstone and Citrine Nebulae for putting in the time and effort to provide questions for the interview. Suspect of foul play has arisen, though, now that this collection of confidential crap is slowly being exposed to the media. So, to keep things in low-profile and maintain the anonymity of your identities, during the interview you shall be given code names.

Beryl Bloodstone: Teddygrl09

Citrine Nebulae: Teddygrl9

Write this down, memorize it, then swallow the note.

* * *

Yo, wassup! It's Claude-fosizzle, back with an exclusive inside-look. We've gotten a lot of positive feedback, in which I will answer to shortly after the end of episode two. OK, so let's start episode two right now! Right now, we will start episode two!

OK, put your hands together for episode two!

* * *

This line serves no point!

* * *

Now, let's begin! OK, let's go. Are you putting your hands together? Put your hands together. Right now, palms compressed, fingers touching. Come on, this is a healthy exercise for you! Lift hands. Put left with right. Press. Put left with right. Press. Repeat process until habituated, or await further instructions.

* * *

Episode 02: Solo Butler (SO LOW ARE THE RATINGS)

See what I did there?

One word to sum up this entire episode: FAIL.

No Claude Faustus.

:(

):

Equals sad emoticons.

What the serious fuck is with the white stag!? HUH? I'VE HEARD OF UNICORNS, PRANCING PONIES, A LEVEL 75 RAPIDASH, BUT NEVA _EVA_ DID I HEAR OF WHITE STAGS. And, why white? What's wrong with a nice purple color? What do people have against purple anyway? Why are we promoting mythical creatures? Who wrote this crap? The creator must either be asleep behind the wheel, an eight-year-old with a small mind but big dreams, or severely affected with delirium.

Now let's just skip over to episode three, shall we? We'll reserve the interview until after that chiz all goes down. (Are you still putting your hands together? You should be.)

* * *

Episode 03: Wench Butler (This word is dirty enough on its own, if you catch my drift.)

**A/N:** A brief intervention, since I, the perfectly competent co-writer and editor, Phantom Ou, have completely forgotten what happened in episode three. So, please excuse Jeff and I as we work together to recapitulate the material of episode three.

OK, blah, blah, blah, women bursting into flames (wow, the crazy chick at the end is freaking huge), people talk talk talk, lalala, blah blah, hi Grell, skimming through the video until Claude Faustus pops up.

Whoa, wait a minute. Is Claude even in this damned episode!? I thought episode three was the freaking train scene! OK, never mind. Just some useless chiz. This is how easily befuddled I can get. I did NOT waste seven precious minutes of my life to glance through episodes two and three only to get nothing, alright? I even took the extra step to watch this chiz—it was horribly gruesome and tedious. Let me tell you, I had to freaking sign in Gmail so that I can freaking verify that I am freaking old enough to check out those damned FREAKING episodes. But, that's not all. I had to press "I understand and I wish to proceed", AND THEN I had to wait for it to buffer sufficiently. I received absolutely NOTHING out of that. Who the hell said hard work pays off in the end? WHO SAID THAT? I've got a word to say with you about spouting misleading crap to poison hopeful children's minds!

OK, enough with this. Did I confuse you, particularly with the same usage of the first-person perspective? I didn't boldface, 'cuz it hurts my eyes with too much of that emphasis. To clarify, I'm not Jeff—

Crap, episode four has been playing without me! No wonder I heard those background voices (freaking Ciel mumbling)... and yet I didn't mind them? Hm. I'll go make an appointment with a few psychological professionals, so while that, it's back to Jeff.

* * *

Episode 04: Terrorist Butler

Hi. I'm Claude Faustus. Initials: C.F. Official announcement: Child Fondler*****

WHERE AM I? WHERE I AM IN THIS EPISODE—

OH, THERE! I SEE ME. OMG. RIGHT THERE. RIGHT THERE. OMG. THERE, MY FACE. OK, OK, BREATHE, COUNT TO SIXTEEN POINT FIVE. I'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS. I'VE BEEN FREAKING THROUGH THIS! I CAN DO THIS!

In case you're wondering, and I KNOW you are, the epicness starts at 21:42. Yeah, 21 minutes and forty-one seconds ago it was just pure and utter crap, but this... this is when the real chiz starts. I remember when I shot this scene. The brilliant sun was just slowly descending from its position to conceal itself behind the valleys; blanketing the area with an orange-yellow hue. Then, there I was, with the fresh grass blooming beneath my dress shoes, as I saunter in all coolly.

I'm so freaking... TALL. Has no one else noticed? I'm so tall. That's good. Statues are usually built to be of a lofty height. Then, oh, my God, my next part was like the climax and chiz. It was like when the action reaches its peak. I handed over a handkerchief with a tea stain.

I mean, WHO ELSE would do that? Who else would walk up to a guy and hand over a dirty napkin? Would you? No. I'm pretty sure Sebastian didn't even WANT that shit. Think logically, who the hell would?

BUT I GAVE IT ANYWAY.

HA.

Watch out, I'm a badass. Ssst. That's my... that's like my catchphrase, or catchsound kind of thing. You know, 'cuz fosizzle doesn't make sense on its own. I gotta add that sound effect, so it'll be like frying bacon on a pan. It goes like this: ssst. Just place the tip of your tongue behind your front teeth and blow.

Speaking of tongue... eh, heh. Yeah, that's actually my other secret talent. Ever since I was little, my tongue was remarkably long. It really helped when you accidentally plopped some crap in your bowl, and the liquid just bounced and splashed all over your face. Rude. But, I never needed a napkin to clean that mess up. Just lick, and it's gone. Poof. What a useful muscular hydrostat. And don't "What you say" with that annoying lil' "O.o" face (God, that's a chirpy face I would love to beat the crap out of) at this term, 'cuz it's my first time seeing it, too.

But, there was a troublesome problem with my excessively lengthy tongue. In fact, I couldn't keep it in my freaking mouth; it's always dangling on the outside like I was lapping at the air. No one wanted to date me. Sometimes, it got fucking stuck on my braces, and I have to pull and pull and _pull_ only to leave a lil' something something stuck behind in the metal brackets. But the orthodontist never commented on that, so no one talked about it. My tongue healed, though.

OK, OK, back on track. Dude, what's next is ten times more awesome and exhilarating 'cuz I freaking performed a magic trick! You won't understand, my dear pupils, if you don't follow along. (22:00-22:02) I stuffed that handkerchief in my suit, then I flipped out an envelop right after. OK, now that I'm replaying that scene over and over again, it... it gets less impressive. But, it was kind of cool, initially speaking.

OH, then I was all shady. I was mysterious, you know. I was all like betraying and stuff. Well, kinda. I hinted toward it. I was insinuating to Sebastian to investigate my son (Alois' my unwanted son now; I adopted him for fun—meh, I'll return him 1:00 PM tomorrow, then adopt him AGAIN at night, then return him the following morning. I'll wait until he gets used to this cycle, and then I'll re-adopt him at 1:02 PM and precisely twenty-six seconds so that he can freak out a little bit. Just a little bit. Ah, it's fun to lift his hopes and dreams only to mercilessly crush them, then instill them once more only to destroy them again! You'll see I do that a lot in the series. OK, I'll stop before you lose focus on the statement that occurred before the parentheses—too late, eh? I bet you forgot what I was talking about, because I did) firsthand so that he can fulfill Ciel's revenge. (Did you had to go reread?) Then, I invited him to the ball. No, I invited even Ciel. I'm generous like that. Too cheap to give two envelopes, but they're like totes BFFs anyway, so they wouldn't mind sharing.

Now, the ball is when things start to unfold.

HOWEVER.

I just love doing that.

HOWEVER.

I didn't have to retype that word, but then I keep ruining the dramatic moment by prattling on about things that are not actually relevant to the matter at hand. So, I'll do it again. I'll get it right this time. I promise. No, I'm sorry. I promise. This time, I will.

HOWEVER.

Heh.

OK, now, seriously. What was I rambling on about? Oh, the ball. Yeah, that's when the excitement begins to seep its way into the show. Good, because it was starting to get insufferable. Episode one was freaking awesome, beautiful beginning to the one beautiful show that I ever won an audition for. But then episodes two, three, four (until the very end) was a load of bull.

It's gonna get better from here on out, so whew, we managed to pass... "The Stage".

Hehe.

* * *

Interview Time!

Enthusiastically, Ou sits down on a comfortable throne-like chair, and waves to the invisible crowd. "Hola. Welcome, audience, to our special interview with the one and only: Jeff Green. We dedicate today's session entirely to this marvelous man." He/She cues the canned audience applause.

Jeff appears from backstage, and glides to his seat to the right of Ou. "Hi! Thanks for having me."

Ou clicks his/her tongue disapprovingly. "Wow, how conceited you are."

"...Huh?"

"I don't like you."

"Wait, what—"

"Why're you Claude? I hate Claude. Like, ew, it's Claude. In person."

"Well..." Jeff states, "I'm sorry to hear that, but you can't just—"

"God, Jeff! Why is it all about you, you, you? You're trying to hog all our time?" Ou insincerely chuckles.

"That chuckle sounds insincere."

"You talk a damn lot. We got some questions for you."

"Cool—"

"I haven't asked them yet, so you don't have to talk."

"I know, but I was just commenting on your—"

"So, first question! For the interrogation round, it will feature a unique style that would be more suitable for this situation," Ou informs, as he/she retrieves a stack of cards from his/her pocket. Reading off of one, he/she commences the interview.

Ou: So, Claude, this is from Uomotnahp.

Jeff: What? How do you even pronounce that?

Ou: Don't judge Egyptians!

Jeff: I'm pretty sure it's not Egyptian. It's gibberish, and it's your name spelled backwards—

Ou: So the incredibly perceptive and keen Uomotnahp asks, "Why can't you be less exasperating?"

Jeff: Lay off the Claude-hating.

Ou: ANSWER THE FREAKING QUESTION.

Jeff: I refuse to answer sucky questions.

Ou: Why do you refuse to answer "sucky" questions? Can you please define to me what exactly is "sucky"? How does "sucky" relate to your life at hand? Why does "sucky" describe you so well? Why, oh why, is "sucky" spelled "sucky" and not "suckie" with the "ie". Why must the "y" be dominant?

Jeff: Well, I believe it depends on the varying forms that the English language entails—HEY, I'm not sucky!

Ou: Why're you yelling?

Jeff: I'm not yelling.

Ou: You raised the volume of your voice.

Jeff: But, I'm not yelling.

Ou: It sounded like you were.

Jeff: Well, I didn't.

Ou: Well, it still hurt.

Jeff: Well, who the fuck cares?

Ou: Well, why're you being mean?

Jeff: Because you keep pestering me with stupid questions.

Ou: Explain to me what are "intelligent" questions. What makes them "intelligent"?

Jeff: I want to find a quick way to end this conversation.

Ou: (_jots down notes_) Obstinate refusal to complete questionnaire. Furthermore, blatant noncooperation.

Jeff: Are there any other questions? Better ones, preferably?

Ou: ...Fine then... (_disdainfully shuffles cards_) Ooh, here's a good one. This is from Teddygrl09. Teddy's asking, "What type of girl do you like?"

Jeff: Ah... (_thoughtfully rubs chin_) I, um, haha... I do like them feisty ones. Notice how I'm all icy and stuff on the outside? I'm actually very mellow on the inside. I mean I can create these cute little dollies, and I have an irreparable foot fetish for little boys. So, I think feisty girls, that can mess with me with their spunk, would suit me the best. They can purr in my ears. They can bring out the inner me. Real nice.

Ou: All those sentences, you shouldn't have said. OK, now moving on. So sorry you had to hear that one, Teddy. The next one is from Teddygrl9. Ted's asking—

Jeff: Wait, aren't those names like really similar and confusing?

Ou: No. One's Teddy, and the other's Ted. How dumb can you get?

Jeff: I mean, look at it! The difference is just one single digit. And it's a freaking ZERO.

Ou: Jeff, don't make fun of other people's names. It's not nice.

Jeff: YOU GAVE THEM RETARDED NAMES.

Ou: OK, OK, jeez. So Teddy is Beryl, and Ted is Citrine. Happy?

Jeff: Much.

Ou: So, Citrine has a lot of questions for you. HOWEVER. Not all can be answered, because the appropriate amount of episodes have not been elucidated upon yet. (_cues weeping_) And, that's sad 'cuz your questions were hilarious, indeed. So, we'll have to save most of them for a later time. Nonetheless, questions one and two can be very well answered. Well, not really question two, because my memory of that episode with the fat, crazy murderer woman is ... And, that's it. I'm too lazy to check it out 'cuz I have to go through the whole verifying process all the freak over again. Like why verify it twice, when you already verified it? It's like signing your name, then signing your name again next to that signature so that the second signature can prove that the first one is authentic, and you can ultimately declare that you have signed your name. Preposterous, right?

Jeff: Still, what was that second question? I'm quite curious.

Ou: I'm quite annoyed.

Jeff: I don't quite recall ever annoying you.

Ou: Your memory is quite poorly recalled, then.

Jeff: You like to drag out things. What's the second question?

Ou: Alright, if you wanna hear it anyway. This is what Ted—_Citrine_ said, "Why [are you] associating [yourself] with fat crazy murderer women? Couldn't [you] find a cooler person to turn to the dark side? Explain how that went down, Claude-fosizzle."

Jeff: As Ou already said, I don't remember nothing. HOW. EVER. Fat crazy murderer women are in fashion these days. Not vampires, not werewolves. Fat crazy murderer woman. The chubbier they are, the more appeal. The more loco they are, the hotter. The more they stab people the death, the sexier. And you know me, I sizzle. Ssst. I sizzle with the hot trends.

Ou: First question, it is. Again from Citrine, and I quite like this one, "Filthy hypocrite, bashing Sebastian's disguise. Ask him about his train outfit. Stupid jerk."

Jeff: Why... why is it that when people look at me—

Ou: They regret it?

Jeff: They judge me just because I'm Claude! SO WHAT IF I'M CLAUDE! I MAY BE A FULL-FLEDGED DEMON, BUT I AM A DEMON THAT HAS FEELINGS. I AIN'T AN ASSHOLE, OR A DIRTY MUNGER IN THE SEWERS.

Ou: She only called you "stupid jerk". We have not quite properly accessed the situation yet, but it appears as though "munger" has joined us in the dictionary today.

Jeff: And, what you talking about? I look sexy in that train outfit.

Ou: ...I really want to laugh, but it's so sad, I can't.

Jeff: (_inspects nails_) OK, like, first of all, Sebastian is totes not cool enough to wear a disguise anyway! He's like so out of style with that. He's wearing outmoded stuff. Like, OK, mine probably looks like his and stuff. But, all that matters is the body figure. And, I have freaking six-pack abs, slender waist, ya. Sebastian is a chopstick.

Ou: Ooh, you angered some Sebastian fangirls. And as we all know, Sebastian has a larger fanbase than you.

Jeff: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

Ou: Can't; I already laid it out there.

Jeff: Please like my Facebook page.

Ou: Things have become awkward.

Jeff: ...

Ou: ...

Jeff: ...

Ou: ...

Jeff: ...p

Ou: After wasting three seconds of your life for scrolling down and reading the random 'p' (NO ONE MAKES THAT SOUND), it is unfortunate that we have to announce that it is all the time we have, folks. Tune in next time!

* * *

No, I'll do the closing. Ahem, bye, I'm Claude Faustus, and you have just read about episodes two, three, and four. There was deplorably not enough content about me, so basically I can't rant about it much. But, from now on there will be more Claude Faustus time; future chapters will flourish with it! Thanks, reedz (reedz = readers; I'm going hardcore here). Claude-fosizzle, out.

* * *

******* A/N: I just HAD to, Beryl, I just had to. Smh.**  


**Trivia #1: The evaluation on episode three actually occurred in real life; I did not make that crap up. I was typing while I was proceeding with the YouTube videos and whatever.**

**Trivia #2: For some reason, I seriously hate this face: O.o What's with the big O and the little o? And, the stupid DOT in the middle! You look freaking distorted, with your eyes all eff'ed up like that. **

**Author's Rants (Skipping this section will not be detrimental in any way.)**

**Since this is a collection of my rants, I'll disclose to you a rant where I feel the absolute need to vent out my issues. And as we all come to know, I have plenty of them. You don't have to read this part, just assume that it's the end of the chapter, and you may navigate away without commenting like 29/30 of you do. Why do I suddenly sound relatively harsh, you might wonder? Well, I'll tell you through my rant.**

**Rant #1: Don't Complain About a Lack of Reviews When You Don't Review Yourself**

**It annoys me really, how I see others whine and _whine_ about not having a satisfactory amount of reviews, but then they don't go out to review themselves. Before you complain about why people refuse to review, ask yourself why _you_ don't review. Aggravating, hypocrisy, that is.**

**Thanks for reading! Goodbye now, and hopefully you will return for the next installment that features ten times more C.F. fun (sarcasm implied).**


	3. Chapter 3

**Yo, welcome to chapter three. I appreciate the feedback I've been receiving! I can't say that I'm not glad you guys are enjoying it, thus far. Thank you very much.**

**KelAlexshipper4evah: Haha, that's a positive way of looking at things. Yes, it does make you feel better about yourself, huh. Yeah, I know for sure it means confusion. Since you said bye, I'll say hi. **

**Beryl Bloodstone: Sure, adapt that into your vocabulary! Ah, it brings a tear to my eye what influences "fosizzle" has. Ooh, yes, I agree. Basically when you write, you write for yourself, and you extend what your thoughts and feelings to the readers through your words. You know, I'm relishing all this Claude hatred!**

**Sebastian's Kat: Yeah, I call him asshole, jackass, bastard, and all-you-can-name insults! That last bit with the notepad and how you are watching is amusing.**

**1 Hell of a Monster: It's alright. No need to hate yourself. Just redirect all that resentment to Claude, and you will feel better.**

**rockitty99: Haha; the picture you showed me! Due to the fact that this is rated T, I shall refrain from broadcasting your second guide here. But if anyone's interested, check out her guide about Ronald Knox and pudding. I have just learned that they are a legitimate pairing.**

**Citrine Nebulae: Your review never fails to make me laugh. I dunno why. You have a natural talent at being comical, you know. Awesome, that's a deal. Use "ssst" as much as you please, and I happily shall do the same for "dafuq". Lol, the dog in the sprinklers thingy! I'll definitely keep that in mind. Braces do suck, but I never had to wear 'em. You're right, Claude-fosizzle can't handle that (he can't handle much of anything besides copying Sebastian). YeahIseewatudidthurlol. Don't worry, you're not the only one who remembers that scene. It scarred me, and I was planning on incorporating it in here once I get to that episode. Seriously, what's with the blush? Yeah, use munger! 8 minutes, nice. Hey, at least, you're inputting more effort in reviewing. That's always a wonderful thing. "However, if the story sucks ass, I rip that shit apart." That made my day, it did, lol.**

**xCielx3: Thank you very much for reviewing. This favor is greatly appreciated.**

**Esmeralda Wolfsbane: You have a striking talent for sarcastic clapping! Oh, I shall. Joker, this should be interesting. Ah ha, well, I'm delighted; thanks for the praise. I don't like that face, never did as a kid (that rhymes), but we're all very different, so I don't mind. Ah, how perceptive you are. Yes, you are an official member of the SCFC! Congrats! Do you want like... a badge or something? I got a virtual one. I'll just scratch out the names on it and write yours.**

**Guest: Looks like Guest here formed his/her own fanclub, and it's called "I Hate Claude". So if anyone's interested in joining that, I suppose you somehow declare so in some way. I think Claude has the bigger ego, in some aspects. In others, Alois, so a definite answer can't be reach if thought about in the objective sense. Ah! I'm glad you mentioned that. It does always seem to work that way. You'd hate Claude, and you'd love Alois.**

**TheWaffleMonster: Fueling your Claude-hate is a big accomplishment, haha. Thanks for reviewing, and I'm glad to see you're working hard on it. Although I don't particularly mind language, it is a bit agitating when I write/read excessively used curse words. And, in respect of you, I shall censor all of them. Don't feel as though you have forced me to; I completely understand what you mean and can relate myself.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Kuroshitsuji.**

* * *

Hi, fellow C.F. fans behind the computer screens! Yes, you must be a C.F. fan, aren't you? Aren't you a C.F. fan? Anyway, thank you for joining Jeff Green today in an exclusive look on Season II. But before we move on to episode five, let's talk about the opening theme.

SHIVER.

Well, hell yeah, it did make me shiver. And not because I was portrayed all riveting and cool like that. (All the characters were doing this really awe-inspiring crap where we melodramatically open our eyes. Why were they closed the first place? Who the f*ck knows. But yeah, we were opening them. It's stunning. Like, every few seconds, one freaking person would open their eyes. We spent like half the song just opening our eyelids and showing off our irises.)

But, OK, you know what made me shiver—or should I say, shudder? It is right around when I clasped my hand—the one with the awesome contract seal/tattoo, whatever thingymajig—over my son's mouth. You might think I'm doing that 'cuz we were linking the contract sh*t thingy. (Thingy/thingymajig = substitution for your inarticulacy. When you completely have no idea what the proper term is, just say "thingy" or "thingymajig" or "whatever crap that chiz is, mofo; don't make me do all the thinking, mofo"—no matter what you do, _always_ end the sentence with the sacred word "mofo"—and people will automatically understand.)

OK, so I was clasping my hand over his pie-hole (I was kinda suffocating him, too, because I was still mad at that brat for giving me that bruise), then all of the sudden, the director was like, "Wowz, we should all git togiter and do dis." (Warning: Do not imitate the director's way of speaking during English courses; you will be deemed as illiterate and you will fail miserably.) Before I fully realized it, in the next scene, it portrayed Sebastian doing the same exact thing to Ciel! The mouth-covering process—it was my _thang_, per se. Serves that arrogant actor-butler right when Ciel pushed his hand away. It must have smelled or something, after all that time it was stifled and fitted into a white glove. I'm fine though because I'm a religious moisturizer, and I apply hand sanitizer whenever I'm obliged to shoot this scene. Alois, on the other hand, was attached to my palm like his face was super-glued there. He adhered and clung to it like my precious hand was some kind of oxygen mask. But hell no, it started to get creepy after two minutes, so I ripped my hand from his mouth and knocked out that mofo by swatting him against the skull.

Yeah, just thought I share a bit of my commentary on that. But, without further ado, let's commence!

* * *

Episode 05: Beacon Butler

(Blame my ignorance, but I had always thought "beacon" was a type of animal, that resembles a raccoon or something, but I guess not according to Wikipedia.)

The director said, "It'z 'bout time we intro Aliez Transy and Clod Falltis"—WTF IS "CLOD FALLTIS"?—"to Sheel Fantombhi and Sebakchan Mekailis." (I'm sorry, I don't know who the hell they are.)

I have no clue why this guy was hired, by the way.

Anyway, so we carefully devised the script as to how the two households will encounter one another. The creators of the show came upon a solution, which was arranging for us to meet at the ball thingy.

So, I was ready for my first shoot of the day. I did my hair, my make-up, all exceptionally well and stuff. Then, we were at the doorsteps of the Trancy manor. _Sebakchan_ (as to not confuse the director) was about to knock, but I was too cool to fall for _that_, and opened the door first. You would think I would get some screen-time, but nooo. The camera was diverted to Ciel, where that weird kid began to have optical problems and hallucinations. Following shortly after, the chick Elizabeth, and Lau and Ran-Mao popped up. Then, Soma and Agni suffered from a mental breakdown or something.

Pfft, whatever. Fast forward to the dressing scene.

So my son (Aliez) was jumping around, saying everything is sh*t. Then, of course, I sauntered in nonchalantly, instantly stealing the entire spotlight. Alois was all like, "OMG, you should like totes wear a costume with me! Teehee!" He picked up a PINK dress and put it against me (it magically stuck to my shoulder), expecting me to wear it in the broad, unobstructed view of the public. I mean, I get that every color suits me ideally, but I just don't roll in pink, aight? My script, though, didn't allow me to push it off then push HIM off a cliff. So, I settled for one of my drop-dead gorgeous and piercing stares. (10:24-10:26) (But, the fun doesn't stop there; it continues from 10:30-10:33.) Again, they will be the most astonishing two seconds, in addition of three, of your life! My expression translates to: "B*tch... no." Like, I don't even blink, I just twist my head to the side to ogle and retain that blank, slightly pedophilic visage.

Alois got the message pretty quickly, and he forced Hannah to strip. Now, I know what ya'll thinking. Ya'll like, "OMJG"—(Note: OMJG: Oh, my Jeff Green)—"he's such a meanie! I pity the maid!"

WARNING.

DO NOT PITY THE MAID.

Do not be deceived by her innocent and vulnerable disposition—that's ALL an act! 'Cuz she's my co-star, so I know what I'm talking about. Off set, she's a real, anti-social b*tch. And not the kind that hovers in the corner, but the kind that's always like, "B*tch... please." Like, PLEASE _WHAT_? FINISH YOUR DAMNED STATEMENT; DON'T LEAVE ME HANGING HERE.

But she always leaves me hanging there.

So, yeah, ignore her pain and suffering during the episodes, OK? OK? OK?

"I transform day into night, pleasure into pain, and waltzes into requiems. That's what makes a Trancy butler."

I gotta start noting these down somewhere, because my catchphrase seems to freaking change all the damn time. I myself don't understand half of what I'm saying, but I gotta do what I gotta do for a living. I had suggested that we replace all that complicated crap with "Ssst." But, I was rejected. Still, wouldn't it be much simpler and better!? It's the perfect response to EVERYTHING.

"I assume you're ready, Claude?"

"Ssst."

"Claude, make Ciel Phantomhive mine!"

"Ssst."

"Say it, Claude!"

"Ssst."

"Claude—"

"Ssst."

Transitioning to another scene, Sebastian furtively snooped around the Trancy manor, thinking I wouldn't know. But I so showed him up. We exchanged crap back and forth, like he can have some of mine, and I can have some of his (the crap I'm referring to shall remain ambiguous). Then, I totally put him to shame, when I was like, "I-I'm one hell of a butler, too." Hell yeah. He... he was speechless.

The Alois and Ciel interaction is rated for mature audiences, as I presume is signified by YouTube, and thus, that topic shall not be delved into. It was pretty awkward anyway. There is something about my son and licking. I just... I don't...

At the forest, all of us reunited—it was most definitely a heartfelt moment. (Oh, my, I paused at 20:21... just look at Ciel's evil face. Seriously, gaze upon that chiz. It's like a little, malicious kid with psychopathic thoughts whirring in his mind. It gives me chills.)

OK, so I tried to instill into my son (since he constantly whines about how lonely he is) that if he wants to make friends with people his age, he should not, at any costs, tell them, "I want you, babe. I only want you, that's all. You lookin' fine from over there. You no come with me, I kill everyone. Kiss arse." It just doesn't fly with _most—_you never know—people. I attempt, over and over again, to prevent him from drawing out his obnoxious bizarreness, but he does not listen. Being a parent is very difficult.

Wrapping up the episode, the brats bossed us butlers around. Sebastian was a major kiss-ass—_arse_, though. He agrees to practically everything. But, I'm not as stupid. Alois was all like, "Get him!" I was all like, staring and resisting the urge to smack that mofo. Freaking contracts. OK, if the Kuroshitsuji universe actually existed, like HELL would I slave myself over one itty bitty soul.

Alright, that is it for episode five. There were less appearances of _moi_ than I had initially expected. Oh, well, loads of fun are coming up after all this chiz is done with.

* * *

Interview Time!

Enthusiastically, Ou sits down on a comfortable throne-like chair, and waves to the invisible crowd. "Hola. Welcome, audience, to our special interview with the one and only: Jeff Green. We dedicate today's session entirely to this marvelous man." He/She cues the canned audience applause.

Jeff appears from backstage, and glides to his seat to the right of Ou. "Hi! Thanks for having me—

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Isn't this a huge sense of deja vu? Cheap-ass, copying and pasting."

"Why have keyboard commands and not use 'em to the fullest of their abilities," Ou counters. "Besides, I didn't know how to start the interview. After all, you're boring to introduce."

"You are... one bitter person. You need professional help."

"You need a professional face-lift."

"You are a b*tch."

"You are a munger."

Official announcement: "Munger" now falls under the category of cuss words.

Ou: Anyway, let's begin, shall we? Wow, I did not conceive that this interview would continue. I thought it was a one-time thing, but questions are being submitted one after another.

Jeff: You exaggerate, there were only a few...

Ou: I run this show, so shut up.

Jeff: Jeez, have you forgotten to take your pills this morning?

Ou: I can't wait for someone to cut your lips off with a pair of scissors. I happen to have a pair of scissors with me right now.

Jeff: You know, indirectly harassing me is a violation of my own rights to pursue for happiness.

Ou: Dafuq.***** Jeff, here's a question.

Jeff: What?

Ou: Who cares?

Jeff: That's hurtful.

Ou: Jeff, I have the same question.

Jeff: Can we please just move on!

Ou: Teary-eyed now, are we? Fine then, let's move on. First question comes from Sebastian's Kat.

Jeff: (_narrows eyes suspiciously at username_) Don't tell me you're a fan of... HIM.

Ou: Why, yes, yes, she is. Got a prob?

Jeff: Well, duh—

Ou: You should be getting used to Sebastian having more fans than you by now. The question is: "Are you deadly allergic to anything?" (That's one hell of an awesome question, Sebastian's Kat.) I approve of this question.

Jeff: Um, well... (_scratches chin_)

Ou: Don't do that. Please.

Jeff: Do what?

Ou: The scratching chin thing. Don't do that.

Jeff: ...Why...?

Ou: Because you're practically rubbing off your dead skin particles which will deluge my room with your nasty DNA.

Jeff: I will deliberately ignore you. So, what I'm allergic to... well, besides SEBASTIAN, and retarded interviews... I am deadly allergic to those chemical sprays you use to kill bugs and insects, nail polish, hair between toes, and farts. I get a rash whenever someone farts. Stinky.

Ou: I suddenly have a strong desire to produce intestinal gas.

Jeff: You are one disgusting individual.

Ou: I must be, since I'm within spitting distance of you. Your allergies are queer.

Jeff: I'm just being honest.

Ou: Integrity is not required. Please, lie like a mofo all you want. Just stop worsening my impression of you! I will get nightmares. By the way, Sebastian's Kat, you had better be jotting down these deadly allergies; this information will come in handy.

Jeff: Can you stop conspiring for my death?

Ou: Yes. Will I? No. This is from 1 Hell of a Monster: "Jeff, you did an exceptional job at acting pervy when you tasted Ciel's blood. Tell me, were those feelings real, and not acting, Mr. Child Fondler?"

Jeff: It is part of my profession, yes, to perform exceptional jobs. I conduct them quite particularly in the area of perversion.

Ou: Stop trying to sound sophisticated. Answer the damn question.

Jeff: Oh, um, yes... Um. Haha. Heh...

Ou: Nothing's funny.

Jeff: I'm just awkwardly chuckling, OK?

Ou: You are always awkward.

Jeff: So, um... well...

Ou: Is something the matter, Mr. Green?

Jeff: If I must be frank, I, uh, well... I wouldn't say I _hate_ the experience entirely. It wasn't bad... It was kind of pleasant, actually. I mean, the copper scent of blood did get me woozy. Like, a good kind of woozy. A sensational kind. It was absolutely phenomenal!

Ou: You are one perverted blood-freak.

Jeff: By the way, what is this "Child Fondler" conundrum? Where did this originate? How did it circulate around you people? Are you... are you _gossiping_ about me!?

Ou: The next question is from Esmeralda Wolfsbane. She inquires: "What's at the end of everything?" Esme, you are a delightful person, and I'm really pleased that you have decided to provide questions for the interview. However, if you may, please clarify what you mean by "everything". Slightly equivocal there, so I don't want to make Jeff answer anything that's a bit obscure. He's stupider than he looks. So, do you mean the end of each episode? Or something along those lines?

Jeff: I bet you people ARE gossiping about me!

Ou: Another question from Esme: "Claude, have you ever played Skyrim? Hmm, yes? No? Maybe? Well, you should, it's awesome (and there IS a white stag in that)!"

Jeff: What would you do if I answer "maybe"?

Ou: She would still think you're a loser. Stop asking self-evident questions, please, we're running low on time.

Jeff: WHAT TIME? I'M THE ONLY PERSON THAT SHOWS UP HERE!

Ou: You blow your top very easily. I like what Esme stated here: "Also, I've kidnapped Alois; if you want him back you have to make us (aka me and Alois) cookies! Oh, and you ruin 'dramatic moments' with your very existence! : P" She even stuck her tongue out at you, see?

Jeff: My son is kidnapped!? Please, keep him.

Ou: Tsk, tsk, that's not Claude-like~ Stay in character.

Jeff: ...What kind of cookies do you like, Esme?

Ou: You see that folks? You can take advantage of him and get him to make you stuff.

Jeff: Don't advertise my free service, you temmer!

Ou: Why do you construct the strangest words? But, don't be disheartened (just yet). Esme says: "I personally don't judge you by your looks".

Jeff: (_smirks_) I'm too hot.

Ou: "I judge you by the way you act! HA! :D"

Jeff: ...

Ou: Nice one. You got him to shut up.

Jeff: Wait, is this a wrap-up for the interview? Hopefully?

Ou: Not quite. Here are some commentaries that viewers would like to share with you. From Beryl Bloodstone, she has the right to believe you love mountain lions. Sebastian's Kat agrees with you that you're an asshole. 1 Hell of a Monster wishes to pass along the message that she hates you. Citrine Nebulae believes you are unable to handle political debates, and I agree wholesomely because you can barely get a regular convo going without scaring people away. Guest created his/her own "I Hate Claude" fan-club, and his/her official nickname for you is "creepy crawly". He/She states that it is impossible to love a creepy pedo like you. I like this Guest. He/She speaks the golden truth.

Jeff: (_blubbers_) Why the freak do you guys hate me so much? Didn't I provide you people entertainment!?

Ou: Vomiting isn't exactly fun...

Jeff: Didn't I inspire you?

Ou: To boredom.

Jeff: WHY DON'T I RECEIVE LOVE?

Ou: Hey, hey, you got a son.

Jeff: Yeah, not that much love.

Ou: Look, Jeff. It's OK, because you have a fangirl that has identified herself: KelAlexshipper4evah. She gives you a hug.

Jeff: (_happily hugs back_)

Ou: Whoa, whoa, pedobear... let's not get too excited now.

Jeff: KelAlexshipper4evah! You are an awesome person! Finally, someone recognizes my stunning talent and my enriching personality! I swear, you will get special treatment.

Ou: I will call the police.

Jeff: What... what did I...

Ou: "Special treatment"... that's repulsive. You are sickening. Don't think I can't discern the underlying meaning behind your words.

Jeff: Stop jumping to conclusions. It's nothing immoral! I'm simply saying that I will grant her more of my attention.

Ou: And we all know how much people want that...

Jeff: Look, you! I'm tired of your persistent sarcasm and cynical nature. It's 'bout time you start to explain yourself. I have a question FOR YOU. HA.

Ou: Whoo. Lock your doors; we got a badass here.

Jeff: Why do you hate Claude Faustus so much anyway!?

Ou: Ah, excellent question. Bashing on a character is unreasonable unless you justify your motives. And, I shall do as much for the ultimate rant dedicated to Claude Faustus... at the very end. Save the cool stuff for last.

Jeff: BUT—

Ou: ...B*tch, please.

Jeff: Please WHAT!? Finish your sentence!

Ou: That's all the time we have, folks. Tune in next time, and be sure to submit your questions/remarks on Jeff/Claude. Goodbye, and I'll...

Jeff: I'll WHAT!?

* * *

*** ****A/N: There ya go, Citrine! By the way, ****I hope this impedes the optical issues you have been experiencing with Google Images and Claude Faustus. My dream is to save others from this unfortunate problem.**

**Author's Rants (Skipping this section will not be detrimental in any way.)**

**Rant #2: When the Summary of a Story is Something Along the Lines of: "I suck at summaries. Just read and review xP"**

**Such lack of self-confidence! At least _try_ to create a summary. No one is asking you to be so talented as to weave magical words that will automatically reel readers toward your story. No, just give a general idea and feel of your story, and we, as readers, will decide whether or not to be intrigued by it. If you are not going to put in the effort, why should I put in the effort of reading it? And it's such a pity for your story may have been wonderful. Whenever I see a summary like this, if this can even count as a 'summary', I simply scroll right past it. I really do not want to read a story when I don't even know what is the basic point of it. Why should readers carry the responsibility of figuring it out themselves? You, as the author/authoress, are the mastermind behind the story, and you have the potential of making it brilliant. Give your own summary a shot, and see how it works out.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **Special thanks to **rockitty99**, **KelAlexshipper4evah**, **Esmeralda Wolfsbane**, **Ze Quixotical**, **TheWaffleMonster**, **1 Hell of a Monster**, **xCielx3**, **Beryl Bloodstone**, **Smartapple**, **Sebastian's Kat**, **CrossAcademy22**, and **Devin Trinidad** for reviewing!

Are ya'll keeping a Season II: The Rants Dictionary? 'Cuz ya'll should. We shall add two entries to our dictionary today, class.

**Munger (मुंगेर)**

1. The Munger town is the headquarters of the Munger district, in the Indian state of Bihar. Historically, Munger is known for its manufacturing of iron articles, such as firearms and swords.

— Definition provided by **Esmeralda Wolfsbane** (Wow, I really didn't know this word exists, haha.)

2. Unspecified yet dirty creature that resides in the underground conduits (AKA, sewers)

— Definition provided by **Jeff Green**

**Clod Falltis**

1. An affliction where various marks of red, also known as "blushies", cover the bridge of your nose. It is most prominent when the victim is highly (but inappropriately) aroused by the blood of little boys coming in contact with the taste buds.

— Definition provided by **Beryl Bloodstone** (This is unbelievably ingenious. Rest assured, this ghastly condition will be mentioned real soon.)

By the way, since everyone seems to have creative usernames, I have trouble with my own. Will Phantomon fit the bill, or is the classic Phantom Ou more preferable? Will be awaiting your wise judgments.

**Disclaimer: I do not own Kuroshitsuji.**

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Hello, wassup! Did everyone miss me? I suppose ya'll do. I'm sorry for any withdrawal symptoms you had to suffer from, for not seeing the ol' Jeff Green for a while. I know it sucks, I know it hurts. But it's going to be OK. It will be. Maybe not immediately, maybe not in two minutes, but it will, surely, by the end of the chapter.

It is of my deepest regret to announce the official termination of the interviews. Not that it is my desire to trample all over your hopes and dreams, but unfortunately, to avoid a collision with the FanFiction cops I am obliged to no longer host them—since interactive entries such as Q&As are considered a transgression of the rules and guidelines of this chiz. (However, I'm not that evil enough to expunge it from existence altogether. If I get enough bows and proclamations of submission—"All hail, Child Fondler"—I will sneak in good stuff 'cuz, man, I really, _really_ wanna answer your questions 'cuz some of them are hilarious as hell. Ssst.)

But, who cares 'cuz we still have all the ultimate Claude-lovin' going on! Whoo! Now, without further ado, let's get on with what all of you sitting snugly in your seats are waiting for...!

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Episode 06: Bedewed Butler (So, OK, how does this title make sense? What does it actually mean when you DEW a butler? I'm getting goosebumps—a natural premonition that occurs whenever I detect an innuendo!)

(Ha, my title's centering is so off. I mean, look at how it is above me.)

So the creators of the show decided to do a little fanservice in the beginning here, as a flashback. It's so obvious that the freaking SebCiel shippers will go "Squeeeeee!" (Did not know humans were capable of producing such a sound.) Like, OK, I get it, the butler gripped Ciel's chin and leaned super close, taking advantage of the fact that the poor boy is unconscious.

And people call ME the pedophile? What kind of justice is that!? Suddenly if Jeff Green does it, it's labeled "major ew", "ugh", and "WTF, blind me, please". But when the oh-hot-and-awesome Sebastian does it, it's what people call moe?

IT'S WHAT PEOPLE CALL MOE?

Yes or no.

Anyway, after a while of Sebastian just sniffing him, he abruptly pulled back and went WTF, 'cuz right at that moment, peeps, I manifested! Those idiotic creators didn't actually show-show me, but I was there. You can literally feel my presence. I was staring at them with wide eyes, then I killed the little atmosphere they got going on by stealing Ciel's soul. That oh-so-great Sebastian couldn't even do anything to stop me 'cuz, well, I'm too powerful.

Flashback ends, and it features the triplets skipping around the woods with bigass weapons. But, dayaaam, _I_ was freaking COOL. I was the ultimate Pokemon master, and I called all the attacks, and those triplets listened to every word I say! (2:42, look at my pose, man. That was influenced by my ballet classes. See how flexible I am with my body, I just like twist to the side and slap my hand against my face.)

You know, being a Pokemon master is hard 'cuz the triplets suck ass. No kidding. I mean, when I was heroically articulating my commands, the damn trio just ran around in circles. Now, I know they must be inexperienced and all but it's basic that when you're fighting, you have to DO SOMETHING. Or, at the very least, try to hurt the guy? Ring-around-the-rosie, though pleasant and slightly cute, will only induce headaches, people.

But, I was too nice and all, so I decided to wait it out and see what happens. I had hope for a bit, just a little bit of a warm tingle in my heart, when the triplets lunged at him headlong. Guy with the ladder performed well—though, I would've swung it like a freaking bat at Sebastian instead of trapping him in that breach thingybob. Guy with the pincers, all riiiight. But the last guy with the sharpy stuff went slow like a mofo. I'm not... it's not even funny. I mean, in anime, if the victim has time for his hair to swing back all dramatically then you're taking too damn long.

So, OF COURSE, Sebastian got off scot-free. Next scene, the triplets fell flat on the ground like dominoes. Would have been hilarious if they weren't fighting for me. I was mortified as hell, 'cuz no matter how sucky you are, at least don't all fall down at once! Must you do everything together? It makes me look bad (makes you look worse).

The fighting went on for a while, and I got bored so I picked my nose off-camera. But then, Sebastian and Ciel came charging, and I was ready to fight, you know? I squared my shoulders, flicked my booger to the side, and was prepared for all that action. I protected my son so nonchalantly it was downright cool. And, I thought we were gonna fight, but I have no idea what Sebastian was doing 'cuz he twirled in front of me and disappeared. Yes, he twirled. I felt the gush of wind. I was like, "Wha..."

We shifted the scene back to the ball where all them horrible dancers are. I normally wouldn't mention this, but I felt the need to 'cuz after Hannah came and set down that weird instrument thingy, she began to lick her fingers—each and every one of them, she was precise. I swear, that is extremely disgusting. She'd be coming near my food, I'd be smacking those nasty hands with an anti-germ bat.

So, blah, blah, ooh, dangerous music, and the dancers turned to bat-sh*t crazy zombies. I'd be smacking them too.

And, triplets, stop trying, please. Just... please.

Sebastian saves the day, of course, and deals with the psychotic and high zombies. (Now that I'm evaluating these chizes, I really need to complain about my severe lack of screen time.) Hannah, you stop trying too. It's so obvious from the moment Sebastian pops up that you ain't gonna get nowhere.

Well, after Sebastian showed up, it's time for me to make my startling and overwhelming appearance! I walked through the door with Alois. Sebastian requested to talk to me, 'cuz everyone wants a little confidential time with Claude. It's understandable. But that bossy son of mine was all like, "HEHE, you get 10 mins, or...else...dun...dun...dun...dun...dun...dun...dun..." (too many dun's and pauses killed the moment, so we had to redo that scene). And I'm all like, "Ooh, ooh, I'm SO scared."

Really, I was kinda scared. You see the way he dresses? He'll probably do something worse with me!

OK, I really want to know, 'cuz this has been redundant. What's with the director's uncanny devotion to adding the parts where I go "Yes, Your Highness", which is always quickly followed by a "Yes, My Lord". I think we all got that down and committed to memory.

Cut to the bridge scene! I was staring at the lake all dream-like, indulged in reminiscence about my past. I delivered the most touching speech ever where I was like "that ass ordered me to steal Ciel, and there's something something about his soul that makes it special...or something like that". I was being a good conversation-starter and all, when suddenly that Sebastian attacked me. But, ha, he can't even land a punch. (I couldn't either, but it's OK, 'cuz we started to nudge each other while suspended in mid-air.) With our supah long legs, that I swear if you give it a few years, they will grow lengthier than my body, we kicked at the water. The animators made it seem like we created towering vortexes.

Now, to the extremely weird part that even I'm uncomfortable with admitting to. I mean, it's not like I wanted to do this. We are all aware, and can unanimously come to the conclusion that I hate Sebastian. Even so, to get the money I need to pay for my house rent, I gotta do what the director instructs. So, I grabbed onto Sebastian from behind after emerging from the water, and played spider-fingers across his chest.

I am ashamed. But on a completely unrelated note, our faces are just about the same lengths. He jacks everything of mine—even my freaking physique! I am a victim, here, not a hurt-er, BUT A VICTIM.

Then, we made this freaky deal (the one that I mentioned in the first chap). I was kinda emo for a bit and slit my wrist to draw blood. After that gruesome procedure, we let the blood drip onto the white rose. I missed it for a while, wasting my blood and all that, but at last, it landed on the flower. It's so freaking magical that after like three drops, the entire rose got an overdose and morphed to red. We exchanged roses and shared blood—the director has a really...warped mind 'cuz this is beginning to seem like a cult or something.

After this chiz, I went to the hospital 'cuz I suffered from a shock due to loss of blood. But, I'm all better now.

My son was being annoying as f*ck 'cuz Sebastian was still alive (trust me, I am depressed too), and he even took my rose! I was all like, "Shut it, b*tch." I mean, he didn't order me to kill him, he only told me to 'settle' this. I had settled it by planting roses with Sebastian. Then, I was like, "Gimme that back, fool!", and I got my rose back. It's so beautiful, I gave, like, two pints of the vital liquid in my veins to produce that chiz so my baby is staying with me.

"Day into night, snow-white into crimson, and lies into truth. That's what makes a Trancy butler." Cue Claude-hair toss.

Then, ha, my son actually did something clever for once! I'm not lying, he snatched Ciel's future wife away—you know, the girl that says his name like it's her religion—by dancing with her. I was giggling in the background. The only thing exasperating was how Elizabeth was hollering her head off for Ciel when he was like what? Two feet away? Really, you're _that_ lazy? Couldn't even reach over and use the surprisingly efficacious technique called GRAB!

Then, episode ends with Ciel pissed off.

I'd have to admit, I'll rate this episode a solid 7.5/10. It was decent, with a considerable amount of Claude Faustus to embellish the episode. Not bad, not bad, could have been better if you minus the triplet's epic failure, Hannah's disturbing licking session, and the constant Superhero Sebastian mode.

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Special Edition!

Jeff's Rants (Illegal to skip this section.)

Rant #1: Alois X Claude

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? Why does this even exist? I'm basically his dada! Didn't I make it patently evident that hello! I plan to eat him. Like, chew on his skin and gnaw on his bones—that kind of eating. How does food = romance? OK, I get if you love some fried chicken wings, but would you necessarily go beyond that you-will-be-transferred-to-my-stomach zone/relationship to do... other things? That's just... engh.

And, by the way, (as Claude) I'm like thirty times older than the boy. So... no.

Rant #2: Sebastian X Claude

Impossible. Please kindly ignore the spider-fingers play in this episode. It does not result to, or is the result of, any sort of underlying relationship. It does not insinuate the possibility of an intimate connection, nor is the gesture meaningful in that regards.

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Author's Rants

(Important to acknowledge that I will always be conveying my honest opinion. Even if mine conflicts with yours, it is not meant to trigger a quarrel.)

Rant #3: When The Story That Does Not Deserve _That_ Kind of Attention Gets Attention (AKA: WTSTDNDTKOAGA) [I know, I wtf'ed at the acronym as well.]

Beryl B. has conjured up a perfectly valid concept on what irks her, and I realize that it annoys me terribly, too. And that is when a story becomes popular because of its "idea" (borrowing your words, Beryl, hope you don't mind), and not particularly due to whether the plot is well-paced or when the characters are well-evolved and elaborated upon. Then, you encounter another story that involves exciting twists and wonderful characterizations, but receives little to no attention at all. That's just utterly stupid. It shouldn't even happen. What's seriously worse is when a properly educated person reads it the "popular" story, he or she realizes that the grammar is _horrendous_. It's like they typed with one hand tied behind their backs. Then, you're ready to throw your laptop out of the window when people review saying how well-written it is and how amazing and talented the writer is.

I'm serious, it's like people are _attracted_ to and cannot possibly live without dreadful grammar, out-of-character people that abruptly hold a tremendous capacity for love which causes them to fall for practically anybody, and nonsensical plots that are driven by fan-service and saccharine reviews spouting about how supposedly "great" the story is. Showering the writer with unicorns and rainbows will only harm that particular individual by giving them a delusion that they are performing well when, in reality, it is the complete contrary. Deplorably, when someone with an observant eye comes by and bestows constructive criticism, it will more than likely to be deemed as a "flame" by the writer affected with the false belief that _everyone _must love their story because of the amount of views it receives.

Deluded writers and deluded readers go hand in hand. In fact, they can walk together to that happy land where everything is perfect and flawless, where rainbows never fade and where unicorns forever fly. It is only frightening that they are growing in numbers.

Tsk, humanity, I fear for you.

Jeff: So become a demon, and you'll be fine.


End file.
